Matthew's Journal

I was so miserable at work today. I've worked 3am to 3pm the last two days and only gotten 3 or 4 hours sleep the past two nights and that coupled with my job being sitting all day at a computer in a dark room equals miserably difficult efforts to stay awake for the entire shift...and apparently it also equals the inability to put together a grammatically...pleasant...sentence....whatever. I don't know what I'm talking about, just that estoy muy fucking cansado, or in French, Je suis fatandgay... or was that fatigue?
Yesterday with "the old friend" was amazing, on many levels, physically, emotionally, everything...so much love there... so much potential for that life-long happiness everyone is in search of...
It's ridiculous that someone only 16 has their own CLOTHING line...wtf? It's Bow Wow (the artist formerly known as "Lil' Bow Wow") that I'm referring to. He has a clothing line now called Shago. Oh well, he's Bow Wow, he can do that I guess.
Well I'm off to try and achieve the supposed impossible of "catching up" on sleep.
Goodnight, my little shipsekkis.
-Matt

Quote of the day:
"Your Mom screeches when angry."
-I forgot her name...?

I usually don't like Snoop, but I have to say his part in the 50 Cent song "P.I.M.P." is loaded with great lines, including "I ain't effin' aroun'", "my pimp-hand is way strong", "we love you snoop dogg...yeah I love you too" "put mah hur in a purm", etc...
I have a week of Hell coming up... since my days off at work are switching from Tue/Wed to Fri/Sat, I have to work tomorrow THROUGH next Thursday, EIGHT days in a row, AND I signed up for overtime on 5 of those days so I can pay my motherfucking bills off once and for all, so I have to go in at 5am on a couple of the days and THREE am on the others. BLAH... I'm definitely going to celebrate next Thursday "ina di club"... I think I'll deserve it.
Well, I'm off to clean and then to go out with Zhosyefskii.

-Mattskii

I felt fine this morning when I woke up, but then I worked out and now I have an upset stomach... Hmm... could that be from the Zoloft, the Stacker 2's (diet pill), or the excessive wine last night? I don't know, but it seems to be going away as I'm sitting here... Good, because I definitely need to work out more. I need to lose another 15 or 20 lbs, or at least convert it all to muscle.
I had my first Save-A-Friend call at work on Monday since I got "trained" to take those calls, and it was this highschool senior girl who said she had these 2 twin sister friends that used to lead really Christian lifestyles, but recently had been drinking excessively and making out with random people, and it's a good thing we are only supposed to get info from these callers and give it to the appropriate people who can resolve the problem, and not give advice because I would have just told the bitch "Bonus points to your 2 friends for finally waking up." Haha.
I'd like to take this time to acknowledge Matthias Lindblom, the lead singer of Vacuum. He has an awesome operatic voice, and more people should listen to Vacuum. So, all my shipsekkis, go download some Vacuum songs now, and I'm going to attempt to finish working out, as I SO need it.
-Mattskii Fatskii

P.S. I miss Zhosyef

I had sex with "an old friend" today...twice. Unfortunately he isnt single yet, as in he considers himself single but his significant other doesn't know it yet...oh well. I don't give a shit. I don't really give a shit about anything anymore, because I want to trust him again but I can't. I can't really trust anyone, so why bother loving anyone? Why bother when it gives you really happy moments but always gives you painful moments that bring you back to zero, or usually below zero and you have to work back up to zero. (you go from happy to hurt/angry and always come back to apathetic) My Dad is dying, by the way. And on top of that I don't feel I've been upset enough over it. Yeah, so that's nice... I missed visiting my sister today because I slept all day, and she was angry and so was my mom, but it's easier for me to be pissed at them for being pissed than to accept the responsibility of that mistake and just apologize... I also missed my appointment with my psychiatrist today while I was sleeping... during which, by the way, I was dreaming about Amanda, the engaged lesbian... Yeah, it's been a week and I still think about her...wtf?! But yeah why go to that appointment anyway? I mean it's hard not to think that the Zoloft is just a fucking placebo, as I've had good moments AND really shitty ones while I've been on it... I got an email from this fucking 50 year old in response to my planetout ad, and after thinking about the guy's description and first name, etc, I realized that it's most likely the "husband" of my friend at work Clarke, which makes me sad for Clarke; his "husband" of 21 years is trying to have an affair with "a young smooth man" (I think that's how he worded it) and it just so happens that this "young man" works with his man that he's trying to cheat on... That doesn't give me much hope that an older gay couple that have been together so long still end up lying to each other like that.... Either way I love Joe and wish I could go back to what we had, but I don't know. I don't know anything anymore... I hardly feel anything anymore but indifference slash disgust slash anger, except when I'm drunk...Alcohol is so inviting to me these days...Alcohol and promiscuity... Another thing I don't know is if I really believe that there is, as George Carlin says, "a little man in the sky that has this list of 10 rules, and if you break them He will send you to the fiery depths of Hell where you'll burn forever and ever....but He LOVES you" Yeah...... I don't know about Him, either... Whatever. I'm going back to bed now... Goodnight my little shipsekkis...
-Mattskii Slutskii

Last night I DID indeed go out with Fifi (Felicia) and we went to Southern Nights. I was only PLANNING on getting ONE drink, but I ended up getting more wasted than I have ever been before, and all the events of last night are not everyone's business, but they were interesting, so if you must know, ask me. :) One thing I will say, though, is that I had the hottest kiss of my life last night, several times, and it was a LESBIAN! It was this girl that looked very boyish, and had a labrae...she was SO hott, and she was drunk, too, so she kissed me, and it was just....awesome. Of course, though, she only likes girls (sober) and she's engaged to one. :( (hence the subject of this entry) I seriously would have dated her if she were single, reGARDless of what she's "equipped" with. And the GUY that I've kind of had feelings developing for recently has been a bitch to me recently, and I don't know what he's feeling (hence the "current mood") Anyway, I'm feeling bitter and hung-over and unproductive, as I haven't done SHIT today, so until next time,you shipsekkis...

I'm really bored...Shto xochu dyelat? I think this calls for an outing with Felicia. I haven't talked to her in awhile. She's fun. I haven't talked to Jared in a long time, either, and I'm so happy he commented on my last entry. Also thank you to whomever anonymously commented on it, though I wish they had left me SOME hint as to who they were, seeing as what they said was nice. Anyway, my stomach is eating itself as I type this, so I must go feed it.

-Mattskii

Well, I went on a "date" tonight. His name was Brett. We saw "The Order" which started slow, but was actually very good overall I thought, and it gave me the quote for the subject of this entry; pertaining to that I would say recently I've had too much knowledge, because my faith has been faltering... and I can't even pray for my Dad who's in the hospital right now with cancer, because how am I supposed to pray to a being that I'm doubting...that's just plain bad manners, or something... Anyway, my Dad should be okay, but he'll be there for awhile.
Brett was really nice, and he was amazingly cute. The only problem was that I felt very inadequate seeing as he pulled up in an Acura and spends 300 dollars on trips to the beauty salon, and I pulled up in my 95 Ford Escort with the dent in the side(compliments of my Xena-esque sister's foot. :) ) Oh, and I only spent 85 dollars ONCE on my hair, and right now my hair is insufferably....euww, colorwise and lengthwise.
Well... I'm going to bed now.

-Mattskii Poohskii

So this is my first real entry in this journal which I only initially got so I could be on Joe's friend's list. Joe and I are done, and while I accept that, what really gets to me is that my significant change happened right after he decided to give up. I know I caused him a lot of stress and hurt, but I never intended to hurt him, and I really did try to help myself, but unfortunately I needed medication to make the *impossible* situations into simply *difficult* situations where my will to handle the situation would be enough.
The Zoloft (the third medication I tried) seems to have just kicked in recently, seeing as how well I handled Joe leaving me, especially considering there's someone else in the picture on his end. Also anyone who was at Galixy probably has no idea what that was about yesterday, my saying that my low was still loving Joe and not being with him, and my high being that I could tell them all that; the only reason I went to Galixy before was just because of Joe, and I dreaded going and especially the introductions where I had to actually speak, because it's 15-20ish people whom I don't know all looking at me while I SPEAK, but yesterday that was no longer an "impossible situation" but it became a "difficult situation" so I actually had the ability to handle it. I did it for myself, so I really didn't care what anyone thought about it... for the first time ever I didn't care what people thought about me. I didn't however, want Joe to feel uncomfortable, and I hope he wasn't. My indeSCRIBABLE self-consciousness, or more like social paraNOIA (which had gotten much WORSE in the past several months), is what caused most of my difficulty trusting that Joe really felt how he said, and it's what caused almost all of our problems, and unfortunately the major change happened maybe a DAY too late.
It's important to me that people know why I came off as so strange, and it all comes down to social fear, a very overpowering fear, a fear that is finally diminishing after all these years... I am grateful to Joe for giving me the chances he gave me, even if it was just ONE too few for us to be together, it was enough to get me through to a place where I have control of my demons, and Joe IS the only reason I started on my way to that place. While I do accept that it has ended with him, I will always love him, more than any other before...

The man who did the recording for Wells Fargo credit card service
Circle I Limbo

Old fucks that believe their views and mindsets are actually relevant or remotely correct
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Osama bin Laden
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

The Pope
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Slow drivers
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Rednecks
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Qusay Hussein
Circle VII Burning Sands

Saddam Hussein
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Uday Hussein
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

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